The Beat Squad Offense

The beat squad was some idea I came up with when I heard about my boys seeing a brawl down on main street. In this brawl, a dude in an authentic Brady Quinn jersey, who had no business being in Philly, was knocking out everyone within a ten foot radius of him until he got tasered by the Five-0.

Pretty fuckin' awesome if you ask me. So I got to thinking, if you somehow got into a brawl on the streets of Philadelphia; say against Pacman Jones' crew, who from the NFL would you want to have your back. Then I thought...all NFL players would kick ass in a fight, which ones would supply you with an unbelievable story basically every night you went out with them? Here's my offensive drinking Juggernaut:

QB: Ryan Leaf - Alright, in my defense think about every QB you can think of over the past 20 years. Who is more unstable than Ryan Leaf? This dude is up to the brim with potential for the best night you've ever had. I could see any of the following happening on a night out with Ryan: Tries to hit on a girl...gets shut down...and begins to cry at the bar, sees a reporter and busts into a 40 yd. dash and tackles him/her out of consciousness, passes out at the bar because he realizes he is a failure at life and the whole posse proceeds to draw on him with a sharpie. Yeah, Ryan Leaf it is...



RB: Emmitt Smith - This guy can't speak the English language when he is sober (assuming he is sober when he is on air), imagine the crazy stuff he would say when he is wasted. Either he is "slow" or he did a lot of drugs in Gainesville. Here's some examples of how special Emmitt smith is:

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?&brand=null&videoId=2973309&n8pe6c=2


FB: Jim Brown - Yeah, check it out on the NFL Hall of Fame...he is a fullback and he is supposedly from the modern era. I've had a deep desire to find out why Jim Brown is so hard, I'm hoping that alcohol can unleash the fury...upon someone in an authentic Brady Quinn jersey. Seriously tell me you don't want to hang out with this guy...I mean, where did all of these hats come from?

TE: Mike Ditka - OK, Ditka played in the 70's that's modern right? Anyways, who wouldn't want to go out drinking with a guy who A) you could chant Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears to & B) forced you to smoke stogies in a non-smoking bar. My god look at those blue blockers...

plus he's a man's man...

Lineman: (I'm only going with two because only two have any value)


T: Kyle Turley - Only other player in the NFL that I think is as loose a cannon as Ryan Leaf. On the other hand, there is no way this guy could ever black out from insecurity the way Leaf would; he is a one man ass-kickin machine. Any guy who A) has worse tattoos than Shockey's Eagle and B) would throw an NFL lineman's helmet 40 yards during a football game is ok in my book.

G: Nate Newton - This 327 pound monster blocked the likes of Lawrence Taylor and other coke heads in the NFL throughout the 90's. He also spent the better part of two years in prison for being arrested two times in six weeks with mass quantities of drugs; once with 213 lb. of marijuana and another time with 175. He will definitely beat the crap out of anyone who has beef, and afterwards the beat squad can all go back to his place and have a good time.


WR: Michael Irvin - Four reasons...A) There is no way Irvin rolls with less than 6 girls, to any establishment

B) This dude dresses like the biggest asshole of all time...

man, look at that velvet...

C) every time we finish a shot he will encourage us do this...


D) his collection of fur coats

WR: Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch - OK, Elroy isn't modern, but he's awesome. In a real sense, this guy apparently revolutionized the football game at wide receiver and I would like to hang out with him. He amassed 1500 yards and 17 TD's in '51 (10 were over 50 yds long), he invented the long threat, he gave Carson Palmer and every other throw deep QB a job, he's a baller. If you really want to know why I would want to drink with him...I'm hoping he can top this performance...

Ok, I need to work tomorrow, I'll put the all-time awesome drinking partners defense up soon...