The Beat Squad Defense...

If you don't know why I'm doing this, read the post from before...

Here's the lineup:

LB - Lawrence Taylor: The following accolades can be attributed to the man who revolutionized the Linebacker position... (tribute clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvHZqrNp_QU )

- The Giants defense in 1980, pre LT, was the second worst in the league giving up 425 points over the course of the season. After LT joined the Giants defense they were third best in the league, giving up 257 points. Yes, Bill Parcells was also seen for the first time as the defensive coordinator, but LT was a big part of that defense turning around.

- Everyone who's reading this knows what a sack is in football, not many know when it was created. The answer is 1982, after LT came into the league. They created it because LT rushing the QB in the manner that he did was something the league hadn't needed to keep track of until they saw how much of a game changing play it was. The freaking sack was created because of this guy...that's the hardest thing any football player can say.

- He had 20.5 sacks from the linebacker position...that is unheard of...

- He was the NFL MVP in 1986. In case you were wondering, the AP has given a defensive player the MVP three times in 50 years.

Obviously it would be fun to go out with this dude, I mean did you see him in Any Given Sunday? He cut an f'ing car in half with a god damn chain saw, who would not enjoy seeing that? ( I've searched all over, but can't find a picture...sorry) Given LT's flair for addiction and just general badassness, I could see something absolutely insane happening out of hanging out with him. Plus, if anything rowdy happens, you can count on him re-enacting Joe Theisman's leg injury on any gibrone's...(don't watch this if you have a weak stomach)




LB - Bill Romanowski: I feel, better yet, I know, that this guy is clinically insane. I think Romo's place on this team is well understood by the following on-field actions (and fines associated with the actions).

'02 - Ripped off Eddie George's helmet ($5,000)
'01 - Knocked out Roland Williams with a blatant late hit ($7,500)
'99 - Smoked Fred Taylor's knee ($15,000)
'99 - Beheaded Trent Dilfer ($10,000)
'99 - Punched Tony Gonzalez in the head ($10,000)
'97 - Spit in J.J. Stokes face in the middle of Monday Night Football ($7,500)
'97 - Broke Kerry Collins Jaw ($20,000)
'96 - Kicked Larry Centers in the head ($4,500)

That's a grand total of $79,500 spent on kicking people's asses. Then he admitted to juicing while he was in the league (as if it wasn't obvious already). Three reasons I want to drink with Romo:

1) If he has $80,000 to spend on hitting people, he will buy a Jager-bomb to anyone I point at

2) If some gibrone starts bumping chests, Romonowski will spit on him, ensuring that I get to
see Kyle Turley rip of said gibrone's head and throw it thirty yards down the street

3) I think Romanowski has the common sense of a 7 year-old, if you add the phrase "I triple dog dare you," to anything, he will do it. i.e. "Hey Billy, I triple dog dare you to rip that tree out of the ground and throw it at that cop..."

If I could somehow get the Bill Romanowski from 1999 (what seems like his banner year) I'm guaranteeing an awesome night...

LB: Brian Urlacher - Two reasons I want to roll with Urlacher. A) We can go in to any bar and gaggles of girls will be crawling all over us. B) I just wanted to put up this picture of Urlacher dominating this girl from Rock of Love.

DE: Mark Gastineau - Have you seen this guys ex-wife and his daughter Brittny...jesus christo. He's allowed to roll just so I can get his daughters cell phone number. Mark would be in charge of rolling with fem bots considering he is a ladies man (his wife divorced him after walking in on him nailing Brigitte Nielsen).

What the hell is wrong with Flav and Mark, this chick is ugly as hell...

DT: Casey Hampton - Reason #1 his nickname is "Big Snack" and I want to find out the intricacies around why he is named that and I want him to show me how much shit he can eat.

Reason #2 is...look at this guy...

...he knows how to party.

LB: Shawne Merriman - I basically just wanted to put this picture up...

What an unbelievable shot of him dousing chicks with bubbly...on a side note he could do his lights out dance in the bar and everyone can rip shots to it or something. Awesome picture, I want to be able to get away with doing this at some point in my life.

Let me know if you have any other worthy players....I'll probably add some more dudes later

Musical Interlude

Here's some music to download, legally. If you like rap, buy Lupe Fiasco's cd immediately, it is incredibly good.




Let me know what you all think.

Asian My New Haircut

I'm assuming everyone and they're grandma has seen the "My New Haircut" video on youtube. If you haven't, here...your welcome for the influx of friends you will now notice after watching:



What I didn't know is that there is an Asian version. I know, I know, the first thing I think of when i see an Asian version of anything is "god this is gonna be gay." Trust me just watch the thing you f'in geisha.



Ok, it wasn't awesome...but it's the first god damn time I have not been completely disappointed in an Asian version of anything, so I thought it needed to be publicized.

It's been awhile...

So I took the last couple of weeks off because in order to pay the rent I had to do some assembly of actual work to show my progress as an employee...

Needless to say, now that I'm off for the rest of the year, I'll be posting up some good shit to keep whoever the hell is reading this interested...

First two videos that need to be watched:




Thought process over this video (content taken from facebook posts between my friends Alli-Meg and Me):

Don't you think after the overweight Michael Oliver (star of the Problem Child movies) had spent that much time and effort into beating this song he would actually shed a couple of pounds? Shit, maybe he has. Then you have to think about the f'ing creators of DDR. Are they seriously encouraging people to actually dance like this? I mean, come on...you know that kid goes to his buddy's wedding and dances like a penguin on speed. The craziest thing about this video is that you think it's funny because a fat red headed stepchild is jumping around on a DDR game. You know you were thinking, "cool he beat it, what a loser." Then he falls off the platform and head butts the screen...as if it wasn't embarrassing enough that he was that good at DDR...

Classic video, makes me proud to be an American.

Follow up DDR video:



This one legged guy just slapped Konami in the face with that performance. My friend Alli commented that she felt like a bad person for wishing that he fell off the stage like Chunk from the first video? I told her she should think about changing her major to script writing.

Thursday Night Football

Two reasons I didn't post anything about football tonight: A) I hate Comcast (even though it has introduced me to a $2.00 microbrewery with the NFL network) B) no one cares about the Redskins (R.I.P. 21) or the Bears

The Beat Squad Offense

The beat squad was some idea I came up with when I heard about my boys seeing a brawl down on main street. In this brawl, a dude in an authentic Brady Quinn jersey, who had no business being in Philly, was knocking out everyone within a ten foot radius of him until he got tasered by the Five-0.

Pretty fuckin' awesome if you ask me. So I got to thinking, if you somehow got into a brawl on the streets of Philadelphia; say against Pacman Jones' crew, who from the NFL would you want to have your back. Then I thought...all NFL players would kick ass in a fight, which ones would supply you with an unbelievable story basically every night you went out with them? Here's my offensive drinking Juggernaut:

QB: Ryan Leaf - Alright, in my defense think about every QB you can think of over the past 20 years. Who is more unstable than Ryan Leaf? This dude is up to the brim with potential for the best night you've ever had. I could see any of the following happening on a night out with Ryan: Tries to hit on a girl...gets shut down...and begins to cry at the bar, sees a reporter and busts into a 40 yd. dash and tackles him/her out of consciousness, passes out at the bar because he realizes he is a failure at life and the whole posse proceeds to draw on him with a sharpie. Yeah, Ryan Leaf it is...



RB: Emmitt Smith - This guy can't speak the English language when he is sober (assuming he is sober when he is on air), imagine the crazy stuff he would say when he is wasted. Either he is "slow" or he did a lot of drugs in Gainesville. Here's some examples of how special Emmitt smith is:

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?&brand=null&videoId=2973309&n8pe6c=2


FB: Jim Brown - Yeah, check it out on the NFL Hall of Fame...he is a fullback and he is supposedly from the modern era. I've had a deep desire to find out why Jim Brown is so hard, I'm hoping that alcohol can unleash the fury...upon someone in an authentic Brady Quinn jersey. Seriously tell me you don't want to hang out with this guy...I mean, where did all of these hats come from?

TE: Mike Ditka - OK, Ditka played in the 70's that's modern right? Anyways, who wouldn't want to go out drinking with a guy who A) you could chant Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears to & B) forced you to smoke stogies in a non-smoking bar. My god look at those blue blockers...

plus he's a man's man...

Lineman: (I'm only going with two because only two have any value)


T: Kyle Turley - Only other player in the NFL that I think is as loose a cannon as Ryan Leaf. On the other hand, there is no way this guy could ever black out from insecurity the way Leaf would; he is a one man ass-kickin machine. Any guy who A) has worse tattoos than Shockey's Eagle and B) would throw an NFL lineman's helmet 40 yards during a football game is ok in my book.

G: Nate Newton - This 327 pound monster blocked the likes of Lawrence Taylor and other coke heads in the NFL throughout the 90's. He also spent the better part of two years in prison for being arrested two times in six weeks with mass quantities of drugs; once with 213 lb. of marijuana and another time with 175. He will definitely beat the crap out of anyone who has beef, and afterwards the beat squad can all go back to his place and have a good time.


WR: Michael Irvin - Four reasons...A) There is no way Irvin rolls with less than 6 girls, to any establishment

B) This dude dresses like the biggest asshole of all time...

man, look at that velvet...

C) every time we finish a shot he will encourage us do this...


D) his collection of fur coats

WR: Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch - OK, Elroy isn't modern, but he's awesome. In a real sense, this guy apparently revolutionized the football game at wide receiver and I would like to hang out with him. He amassed 1500 yards and 17 TD's in '51 (10 were over 50 yds long), he invented the long threat, he gave Carson Palmer and every other throw deep QB a job, he's a baller. If you really want to know why I would want to drink with him...I'm hoping he can top this performance...

Ok, I need to work tomorrow, I'll put the all-time awesome drinking partners defense up soon...