AL Central

White Sox:

Whenever I talk about the White Sox, I usually find myself coming to three conclusions...how I would pay over $400 to punch A.J. Pierzynski in the face but I wish he was the catcher for my team, how I think Ozzie Guillen is the craziest, and one of the best, managers in baseball or how Frank Thomas is the only power batter of his era who didn't take steroids.

How how can you blame me for picking this team to be first, this team literally has everything you need for a championship club:

Solid bullpen, check. Veteran leadership, check. That one asshole player who constantly is constantly being a distraction (AJ), check. A pissed off Venezuelan for a manager, check. Ok, enough with this retarded check thing...they also have some really solid young players up the middle in Beckham and Ramirez and oh yeah, 4 really good starters...if they don't make some noise in October I'm going to be VERY surprised.

Off Season: Juan Pierre, Mark Teahen, Omar Vizquel, Andruw Jones, J.J. Putz, Mark Kotsay (Jermaine Dye, Chris Getz)

Ozzie said "Jermaine Dye sucks, give me someone who's not a piece of shit" Ken Williams said, how about Juan Pierre? Ozzie said "Bobby Jenks is a fat piece of shit, we need help" Ken Williams said here's J.J. Putz and use Matt Thornton. (he looks like the Putz from 08 with a nasty splitter returning in Spring) Ozzie said "give me some old ass players to talk to in the dugout while my team is kicking ass" so they signed Andruw Jones who has lost a ton of weight and killed it during Spring Training. Then Ozzie got drunk with his fellow Venezuelan Omar Vizquel and told him to join the team. Overall, a very solid job by Kenny Williams.

Pitching: Buerhle, Danks, Peavy, Gavin Floyd, Freddy Garcia

I know you just though "Freddy Garcia blows, they're not that good"...I understand that, but Aaron Poreda is going to come up anyways so stop questioning my un-intelligent and credulous banter.

Buerhle is an inning monster who gives you a solid outing EVERY time out. He pitched a perfect game last year, was one batter away from a perfect game two years ago, the guys a beast. Danks and Floyd are kind of hit or miss (Danks is a little better in my eyes) but they were both double digit winners last year with around 150 strikeouts. Obviously, Peavy is the big wild card here. He was out for a significant amount of time last year with a non-pitching injury (tore a tendon in his ankle) and looks to be completely healthy at the start of this year. He's only 28 and also only a few years removed from a Cy Young in San Diego. If he puts together a productive year, there's no way this team doesn't win the Central, he's that much of a difference maker.

Overall Pitching: B+ with A upside

Defense:

Chicago was already pretty solid defensively, but they got even better when they lost Jermaine Dye (I can't put into words how bad he was in right field...oh wait, Vlad Guerrero) and added Juan Pierre and Andruw Jones and let's not forget Alex Rios late last year. They moved Gordon Beckham over to second to become even faster and more athletic up the middle and added Mark Teahen/Omar Vizquel at third who both play above average defense.

Overall Defense: A-

Offense:

Me gusta Juan Pierre at lead off, I think Beckham is a young mini-Chase Utley, Quentin and Konerko smash baseballs like porn stars and me likes a CF with some potential for a 20-20 season in Rios. Anytime you have the ability to put up 5-6 runs a night and you have veterans mixed with very talented young players, you're going to win and do well in the playoffs, watch out.

I'm going to make a very bold prediction and say Andruw Jones is going to have a 20 HR season with an avg. over 280 this year, he will turn the White Sox OF into a platoon and possibly turn Quentin into a DH by the end of the season...

Overall Offense: A-

Twins:

Off Season: Jim Thome, Orlando Hudson, Carl Pavano (Orlando Cabrera, Carlos Gomez)

Hey Minnesota, GET EXCITED for 2010! We really focused on improving our team by signing the three least impressive free agents available! Renew your season tickets today!

So happy I'm not a Twins fan.

Probably the un-sexiest signings in the history of baseball. I would venture to say Orlando Cabrera the players they lost were better than what they pulled in.

Pitching:

Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Carl Pavano, Nick Blackburn, Francisco Liriano

I'll give the Twinkies credit, their pitchers are pretty good. They pound the strike zone and they're all pretty young and reliable. The only thing that bugs me is they don't have stuff. I like pitchers who walk up to the mound and Roger Dorn it..."I'm gonna strike that mother f'er out." Liriano is the only guy who can do that this year so I guess I don't know I guess I'm just not impressed. I feel like the reason this team can never make it over the hump is that if a team can hit well, they can beat them. There in lies a major problem if you ask me.

I know everyone is making a big stink about Joe Nathan being a HUGE difference in the division, but I don't think anyone knows what they're talking about. I think Jon Rauch is going to be fine as the closer, Nathan was a stud don't get me wrong...but I don't think it's going to make a difference in the Twins winning or losing the division. Their bullpen is pretty solid but

Overall Pitching: B

Defense:

It's always bad if the middle of your infield is either A) old or B) unathletic and guess what JJ Hardy "is a little whiny piece of of shit." - Ozzie Guillen. Ok, he didn't say that...but I can see him saying that and then punching him in the face. Besides that, Orlando Hudson has been getting the senior special at McDonald's for 5 years and he plays shuffle board with my grandma. Sounds like fun Minnesota, have fun with that.

Overall Defense: B

Offense:

These dudes hit harder than Charlie Sheen. They can mash from top to bottom: the M&M brothers, Michael Cuddyer, Jason Kubel can all hit 25+ homers and Delmon Young and JJ Hardy are both good for around 20. If Delmon Young shows up this year and show anywhere near what his potential is this team could Texas Rangers themselves through their schedule, just overpowering other teams.

Overall Offense: A


Tigers:

Off Season: Austin Jackson, Jose Valverde, Gerald Laird, Adam Everett, Johnny Damon, Max Sherzer, Scot Sizemore, Phil Coke (Edwin Jackson, Curtis Granderson, Placido Polanco, Fernando Rodney, Brandon Lyon)

Sizemore isn't really this year, but it's the first year he will make an impact so whatever, he's new.

They had a big hole to fill with Granderson leaving town and did a good job of filling it with the combination of Austin Jackson & Johnny Damon. Sherzer and Edwin Jackson are basically on par, so no big change there besides the fact that I think they both suck. Phil Coke is going to be a big bullpen upgrade as they lost Brandon Lyon and Fernando Rodney this off season.

Pitching:

Verlander, Porcello, Scherzer, Bonderman, Willis

Justin Verlander is one of the best pitchers in baseball and is a beast in eating innings up for your pen, outside him and Porcello, they could suck a golf ball through a water hose. People don't understand that Porcello has only been legally allowed to drink for four months. He's young, he's got the stuff and he's going to be a solid #2 for the next 5-10 years...but look outside of that.

Scherzer is Jekyll and Hyde, he has filthy stuff, but he has no control. His avg. line from last year went something like 9 hits, 4 runs, 4 walks, 9 K's. So one outing he will be good, then the next two he sucks...I guess on the bright side he's better than Dontrelle Willis. Bonderman has pitched 81 innings in the last two seasons. Yeah, that's looking good. They will have a good opportunity to win half of their games with pitching...not good.

Overall Pitching: B-

Defense:

The Tigers are old crafty vets in the field. Guillen will hold down the hot corner quite well for celebrating the big 5-0 with Magglio Ordonez last month. Adam Everett and and Sizemore are a solid defense up the middle along with Austin Jackson in the CF spot.

Overall Defense: B

Offense:

Theoretically if Magglio Ordonez gets his head out of his ass (.300, 20+ HR, 90+rbi's), they should be a pretty solid offensive club. Austin Jackson is going to be a really good lead off man if he can learn to be more patient, Johnny Damon can be a solid lead off or #2, Cabrera is a beast, Ordonez/Guillen are both old but still dangerous hitters. If you add in Sizemore living up to his potential and the predictable Brandon Inge HR streak, this team can hit and hit well.

Overall offense: B

Team's outlook: Everything looks good until Miguel Cabrera loses interest 10 games into the season and takes a 2 month bender to Vegas, offensive slump for 152 games ensues.

These are going to get progressively smaller as the teams get less and less interesting...

Royals:

Off Season: Rick Ankiel, Chris Getz, Scott Posednik

Nothing like an old guy, a guy who only steals and an old pitcher with a cannon as an arm and a bat with a hole in it to get you excited, HERE WE GO ROYALS HERE WE GO!

Pitching:

Greinke = Buzzsaw

Gil Meche = One hit wonder

Rest of staff = bag of burning crap on doorstep as good as -->

Overall Pitching: C +

Defense:

Worse than the Indians but better than my little league team.

Overall Defense: C +

Offense:

They, like most seasons, will get off to a hot start, courtesy of Jose Guillen.

This should be notified by someone as the Jose Guillen effect. Monthly splits in 2008 (his best season) May/June: .325 avg, .900 OPS, 6 HR's, 20+ rbis EVERY OTHER MONTH: .250 avg, .600 OPS, 3 HR's, 10 rbi's.

Theeeeen they will tail off into the Abyss like they always do unless the following players surprise everyone: Alberto Callaspo, Scott Posednik, Chris Getz, David DeJesus, Jose Guillen

My guess is Callaspo shows up, Getz surprises a lot of people and so does David DeJesus.

Overall Offense: B -

Indians:

Off Season: Russell Branyan, Justin Masterson ( )

Wow, Russell Branyan!

Pitching:

Jake Westbrook, Fausto Carmona, Justin Masterson, David Huff, Mitch Talbot

Who the fuck are David Huff and Mitch Talbot? Enough said..

Overall Pitching: D

Defense:

Well their defense is better than their offense...

I mean, they can't be that bad, Grady Sizemore and Michael Brantley are in the OF...and Asdrubal Cabrera is a really good SS.

Overall Defense: B

Offense:

Things to look forward to: Shin Soo Choo hitting 20 HR, stealing 20 bases and playing some Chinese techno every time he walks up to the plate. Grady Sizemore disappointing the city of Cleveland again and being traded. Travis Hafner coming up to the plate with his jock strap on outside of his pants. Ryan Garko realizing they are holding back on his plate appearances because Rachel Phelps took over the team.

Overall Offense: C +

AL West Prediction

Before we get into the baseball division predictions, let's take a few minutes of time to devote to Arnold Schwarzenegger...I give you his 160 best quotes:



So, being an Angels fan, this is going to be tough to be unbiased, but I will do my best. Sports Illustrated picked the Angels to win, about half of ESPN picked the Mariners, I've heard of a lot of people picking the Rangers because of their offense...and all of them could be right, the division is that close.


Angels:


Let's be honest, we got raped this off season. We lost our #1 starter, lost our lead off man, lost one of our more dependable relievers in Darren Oliver and oh yeah, Vlad Guerrero left town too.

Picture yourself as a GM, would you resign a 31 year old John Lackey who has started 08 and 09 on the DL? You would? Would you sign him to a 5-year $83 million dollar contract? If you would...you better be from Boston or NY...good decision to not resign from my prospective.

To quickly go over all of the other losses, Darren Oliver is 95...Vlad the impaler is WAY past his prime and it was very evident last year and Chone Figgins signed a $45 million dollar contract in his 32 year of life...no thank you.


That being the case, the Angels did the best they could to refill thos holes without spending eleventy-billion dollars
- They signed an aging lizard in Hideki Matsui
- Signed Joel Pineiro (whoopdy friggin-do)
- Got Fernando Rodney to take over as closer once Fuentes starts blowing saves in week 3.
- They paid to have Gary "The Black Plague" Matthews Jr. leave the clubhouse

All in all, this team...believe it or not...isn't much worse off than they were last year.

Pitching:

Weaver, Saunders, Ervin Santana, Joel Pineiro, Scott Kazmir

It's THE deepest 5 man rotation out there...all of these pitchers aren't outstanding, but they are all good solid pitchers, who can pitch deep into games and have the ability to win a lot of games...which is hard to say for most teams.

Defense:

Chone's departure opened up a spot for the up and coming Brandon Wood who is a gold glove caliber 3rd baseman already. His only issue is that he strikes out pretty much every time he's up to bat. Vlad hasn't played defense in a couple of years so no change there.

Offense:

Here's where it gets interesting...

Chone's departure opened up a spot for the under-appreciated Erick Aybar who is an on base machine and should be just fine swiping bags up top. The addition of Hideki Matsui, if he stays healthy, could add some major power to the Angels lineup. We're talking a 3,4,5,6 who could ALL hit 20-25 HR's and that is always a dangerous thing to have. Overall I think they are actually a better team offensively.

The Angels will win close to 90 games this year because of the depth of their pitching rotation and the managing of Mike Scoscia. That's always good enough to win the division.


Rangers:


Off season: Added Rich Harden, Vlad Guerrero, Darren Oliver

They did a great job of securing some bullpen help and getting a big name pitcher to come in and get 5 innings of work for them every outing. Like I said, I don't think Vlad helps them a ton, but he's good for 100 games at DH, hitting around .285 and hitting maybe 20 HR's.

This team is young, they are fast, they are solid defensively and my god can they hit when they are on.

Pitching:

Their glaring weakness is the starting pitching on this team.

Rich Harden, Scott Feldman, Tommy Hunter, Matt Harrison, Colby Lewis

Thank god they have a very solid bullpen or they would have to slug their way through the year (which they could do)

If Harden can stay healthy, they have one really good pitcher. Then they have two decent pitchers and two crappy pitchers. I just can't see them being very competitive until they get two of their young pitchers up and starting (which could happen this yr btw). This is going to be the key to this team and I don't think it's a good thing.

Defense:

Incredibly solid. Great up the middle, really fast outfielders with cannons and Micheal Young is a SS playing 3rd...

Offense:

They are potentially one of the scariest offensive teams in the majors. Borbon, Kinsler, Josh Hamilton, Vlad, Cruz, Michael Young, Chris Davis, Elvis Andrus...top to bottom every player can hit, most with power. The scary thing is their weakest bat, Chris Davis, has a STUD triple A player behind him in Justin Smoak ready to come up whenever he can get a chance.

I think this teams pitching loses them a lot of games this year, but I think they put up 85 wins, just enough for second place.


Mariners:


The Mariners were BUSY this off season...Figgins, Cliff Lee, Jack Wilson, Bradley

They definitely improved their pitching, drastically improved their defense but did basically nothing for their offensive woes.

Pitching:

One of the best one two combo's in all of baseball with king Felix and Cliff Lee taking the mound and one of the better bullpens in the AL West.

Ryan Rowland-Smith is an up and coming youngster who could add some major depth to their rotation and help them immensely in the long run.

Defense:

The best defense in the AL West.

Offense:

They are horrible, there's just no way around it. Their most potent hitter outside of Jose Lopez is an aging Ichiro Suzuki, then either Milton Bradley or Ken Griffey Jr...What THE fuck. Casey Kotchman is hitting 3rd in their lineup for god sakes. Good luck scoring 7 runs, ever. You can't win with two good hitters, you just can't.

These guys are so bad offensively I can't see them winning much more than 80 games. That being said, 35 of those wins will come straight from Felix and Cliff Lee. Good enough for 3rd in my book.


Athletics:


Off Season: Kevin Kouzmanoff, Ben Sheets

They are the dumb asses that signed Ben Sheets, for an UNHEARD of 10 million dollars, good signing Billy Beane, what the f are you smoking lately?

Pitching:

Young STUDS. Brett Anderson, Ben Sheets, Justin Dousche bag, Gio Gonzalez, Dallas Braden

All of them have MAJOR potential. Brett had his coming out party last year, Ben and Justin are both coming off of major surgery so that should be interesting. Gio has filthy stuff, but he's very inconsistent.

Basically their whole year is riding on their #2 and #3 staying healthy...not a good feeling if they are both coming off of Tommy John.

Defense:

They're pretty good...um, yeah nothin else.

Offense:

Well, they're better than Seatle...but that's obviously not saying much. Kurt Suzuki is a masher and Rajai Davis is a speedy stud, other than that they are just mediocre.

These guys are probably good for 70 wins because they're #2 and #3 are both not going to make it through the year unscathed. If they do, watch out...this team could Seattle Mariner their way into third place, but they aren't doing any better.

We're going to be doing breakdowns of every division from here on out so keep posted.

Dear No-one

It's officially the most exciting time of the year...and possibly my life.

Baseball season just started, the Blackhawks just clinched the Central division, the Cubs still suck and the Eagles just traded our starting quarterback to our division rival...

This means, the 3rd nipple is out of retirement

I'm back mother F'ers

Get ready.